Coming Out

When I was six years old,
I fell in love with a boy for the first time.
It was a childlike, innocent kind of love.
I loved his funny-lively spirit.

Only six years later, at the age of twelve,
I understood that I was also physically attracted to men,
and that this was not considered “normal” among the people around me.

That was the beginning of twelve years of hiding.

On the inside -
living a lie.
self-hatred.
guilt and shame.
sadness and depression.

On the outside -
everything seemed normal.

Even when I began to see more queer people around me,
I still couldn’t overcome the fear.

I thought I had to do what was expected of me -
marry a woman and meet men secretly.

After returning from a long trip in India and Thailand,
I decided to begin a journey of self-acceptance,
and to truly explore my identity.

Half a year later,
I felt self-love strongly for the first time in my life.
A feeling that gave me the strength
to begin moving through the fear.

The Call

June 21, 2013
Afternoon, stepping out onto the balcony on Molcho Street in Jerusalem

I take out my phone.
My body is shaking.
I call a friend from university.

We talk for a few minutes.
I try to delay it.
Then, in one moment, I change the subject.

“I wanted to tell you something…”
Friend: “Okay. What did you want to say?”
“I…”
Friend: “Or, are you okay?”
“I… I…”

~long seconds of silence that feel like forever~

Friend: “Or, what’s happening? Talk to me.”
“I’m gay.”

~almost fainting, tears of relief and joy~

The Date

Two days later, I go on my first public date.

We meet for dinner at the Carmel Market,
and from there continue to his place.

Crossing the street near Dizengoff and King George,
we run into a close friend.

“Druker! So good to see you! What are you doing here?”

“Um…”

~he looks at me, then at the guy next to me, and understands~

“Wow, I’m so exhausted and really need to go home. We’ll talk! Bye!”

Coming out

The next day I call my friend and tell him.

Then my roommates.
Friends.
My sisters.

I ask my sister and brother-in-law to come on Saturday
to support my parents
when I tell them.

Saturday, 10 a.m.
I’m in my childhood room.

Fear hits hard.
Quiet crying.
Anxiety rising.
Shivers in my body.
I breathe.

From the window I see their car.
I whisper to myself:
There is no way back. Today is the day.

I walk up and down.
Crying, breathing.
Breathing, crying.

My heart is pounding.

I go down the stairs.
This is the moment. It’s happening.

I step outside.
Join the family circle.
I know things are about to change.

“- I want to share something with you…”

~I see signs of worry on my mom's face~

I talk about the last year.
The journey.
The difficulties.
Going in circles.
Afraid to reach the point.

“Mom: Or, what’s going on?”

“- My last year was a journey of self-discovery… and I realized that…”

My hands shake.
My whole body is tense.
I can barely breathe.
Guilt. Shame. Fear. Tears.
I don’t want to disappoint them.
I don’t want to break their hearts.

And then...
something opens.

I take a breath,
and the words come out on their own.

Mom
Dad
I am
gay
I am
queer
I love
men

Mom, crying: “Are you serious?”

- “Yes.”

My mom and sister go into the kitchen.
I hear her crying.
My heart breaks.

My brother-in-law and I stay outside with my father.
Trying to breathe.
To be there.
To support.
To hold the moment with love.

Epilogue

The truth is, there is no such thing as “coming out.”

It’s not a single event.
Not something that belongs to one community.
Not limited to time or place.

All of us carry parts we are different in.
Parts we are ashamed of.
Parts we are afraid to reveal and be hurt through.

Writing lets me return to the child I was,
to sit with him,
to hold his hand,
and to overcome the fear, shame, and guilt.

Thanks

I want to thank everyone who was there along the way.
Family and friends.
For the love.
For the support.

I also want to thank the pain, sadness, and hatred
that for many years I wished would disappear,
and that instead opened the path
to healing, self-discovery, and acceptance.

I’m grateful to everyone who helped me
live with more peace, love, and generosity,
to live an authentic life,
where mind, heart, and body meet.

Thanks to the people in my life today.
Thank you for reading.
Thanks to my self.